No Title...Just Pure and Simple Thankfulness

Snow while we lived in the camper...2007/2008 winter

Our Trampoline in Jan 2008 before we got the
rest of the snow! :)

These pictures are just to prove that we
actually did what I wrote in this post! :)
I don't mind that I look stressed and horrible...
I was! :) The condensation is even there on the windows...
though, thanks to bleach the black mold was under control! LOL!

Sheldon, a new born, in his bassinet without legs! :) At night
I would move the bassinet to the couch where it was warmer,
or he would sleep with me on especially cold nights. During the day
I would put his bed by this window if there was sun! :)

This is our camper with the addition, behind the horses, there.

My kids were always happy, despite how I felt!

Me, right after James left for Korea and right before we
moved out of the camper!

It is days like these when I feel as if I am in a dream. Three years ago my life was crumbling, my marriage was VERY slowly crumbling but it was crumbling, and without my Lord and Savior, I would have crumbled under the load I/we had. I NEVER thought I would sit on the couch and watch a movie with a husband who wasn't tired (or falling asleep) because of a week or more of driving a semi-truck. But I sat today and watched a movie with my rested and happy husband and my children, in western Washington, in a home very much bigger than my past home on wheels (our camper), while it rained outside. I didn't have to worry about a leaking roof between our camper and the addition we had on it. I didn't have to worry about moving Sheldon's portable crib away from that wall where it leaked into his bed, and laying out every towel I had to soak up rain or melted snow. I didn't have to worry about filling water tanks, shoveling snow so I could empty the dirty water out of our camper. I didn't have to worry about horrible condensation on all the windows that dripped and produced black mold everywhere. I didn't have to worry about how I would keep my children warm at night. I am rested from many good nights sleep...no waking up to a freezing camper and going outside to switch propane tanks in the snow. I don't have to stress out with worry about how much snow we will get and if I will be able to even get to my propane tanks. I don't have to worry about my old horse, with no shelter whatsoever in blizzard-like conditions. I didn't have to worry about what would happen if we lose power in the winter for an extended period of time. My body is rested, gaining weight, and under very low stress, compared to those 3 years. I was warm, curled up in my favorite blanket, with my family, happy and content.....and need I say again....WARM!

I still look around, I still assess my surroundings and our wonderful circumstances, in complete THANKFULNESS, to a Holy and Living God who saw us through the biggest valley in our life, yet. I still do not know how I made it through my trials, practically alone on Earth (it felt like). Not alone spiritually...I would have never made it without the Lord and amazing friends from my church who spurred me on, yet I still felt humanly alone, miserable, stressed and worried. At one point, suicidal, to a small degree. I am still in utter disbelief. I don't think people realize how hard it was. Most don't even know my story. And yet, I can still think of MANY who had it worse than I did, then. But, when you are amidst those trials, it always seems like no one knows what you are going through and no one cares, either. I am excluding my church friends ( they didn't know how bad it was but they DID care! :) I still thank God for my bathtub every time I get in it! I am amazed at running water. I am thankful for a shower that provides more than 2 min of hot water! I am amazed that when we flush the toilet we don't have to see it again. I am thankful for a low maintenance heat source, good insulation, thick windows, plush carpet, a shelter for my horse, beds for my children that are not wet with condensation, and a husband who keeps me warm at night. I am thankful for food other than beans, eggs and homemade macaroni and cheese (these are great foods but think about eating them everyday). I am thankful for my washer and dryer. I am thankful that I knew how to live on less and economize. I am thankful that I could live in the wilderness and probably survive due to what I learned and taught myself during these times. I am thankful that God made me strong. That God taught me to be more faithful...(think about the word Faithful....it does NOT mean loyal, only.....it means simply....full of faith). I am thankful that God prepared me to be a better military spouse than I was prior to 2006. I am thankful for my children, my husband and my marriage. I am thankful that we are all together now, and not drifting aimlessly about in a sea of bad decisions and debt that we could have easily begun to drown in. I don't think many people can so easily be SO thankful for these COMMON AMENities! :) Can you all say AMEN to amenities??? I doubt that many of you can find such comfort in the things that I do, now!

You know...our camper is in our backyard. I see it everyday. I see the remainder of foam insulation on one side where we had the addition...failed foam insulation, by the way! :) I see all the places where the snow and ice and blowing wind peeled the emblems and decals off of it. I go in and smell the familiar smell of the furnishings and wallpaper. Our camper was brand new when we bought it. I probably wouldn't have survived in an old one in North Idaho...so i AM thankful that my husband had the wisdom to buy a brand new one. But you know...it doesn't look brand new inside or outside. We didn't trash it but it looks lived in because I lived in it for 18 months (12 of those months we were almost buried in snow) with three kids, two cats and a dog (for part of the time). I used to hate that camper. Up until today I wanted to get rid of it in any way that I could. Today, I am kind of starting to love it. How is this possible that I don't really want it to go anywhere? I don't want anyone else to live in it. Even if I never sleep in it again, I don't want anyone else sleeping in it, owning it or taking it. I want it to stay in my back yard. I want it to be a constant reminder of how thankful i am for the common things. For life. For love that withstood. For bad decisions. For debt. For lessons. For marriage. For perseverance. For my Living God.

Tut Tut

Tut Tut

• Jun. 11th, 2009 at 6:02 AM

Well, it finally rained after like three weeks! It was so nice! I have had to water the garden everyday so it should be nice and wet, now. We have an abundance of Spinach, Leaf Lettuce, and just got done harvesting all the radishes. Besides those, the other plants are doing great. We have White and Red Potatoes, 4 Tomato plants, Red and Green Pepper (we hope these make it to the end of the season...they are pretty little still), 4 rows of corn, Bush Green Beans, Cauliflower, Broccoli, Cucumbers, Patty-pan summer squash, acorn squash, Butternut Squash, and as for herbs, I have Dill, Parsley, Basil, Chives, Thyme, Tarragon and Marjoram. We are pretty happy with our garden so far and I am keeping it weed free! I was finding slugs in my lettuce so we put a shallow pie pan of beer next to the lettuce. 8 or 9 slugs died happily while floating in the beer! :) Then we had trouble with the ants eating little bits of things and bought marigolds to randomly plant in the garden and they are staying away.
We had been getting slightly annoyed with driving 40-50 minutes to church, so we had kind of thought about trying to find a new church. I was very worried about not being able to serve in AWANA as a leader for the simple fact of the drive, the gas prices, and the fact that AWANA is during the winter and there is no way I can make that drive in the dark on icy roads. So, I was just stressed out about that and worried that the kids wouldn't get to go because of all that. We were annoyed that most of our Sunday it seems like we are driving, and that by the time we get home we are starving. I took the kids to the park in McKenna on Wed. last week, and on the way back I saw a sign for McKenna Community Church. I turned and went to see if it was an open and operating church...much to my happiness it is! They have a little park there, and the outside reminded me so much of my old church in Idaho. So I got out to read the sign and low and behold, they have AWANA there! :) They will also be having VBS in July which I REALLY wanted my kids to go to. Anyway, the church was open because a boy was mowing grass so I went in and grabbed some flyers. There was one for a Family Fun Night, that they do every Thursday when AWANA isn't going on. They have outdoor games, fellowship and a BBQ/Potluck. So, the kids and i went on Thursday and we are going to go today! James couldn't make it to the last one because he had to work late but he is planning on coming tonight. We went to church there on Sunday----(which is why we weren't at church, Sarah). We loved it! Sheldon would consistantly cry at Emmanuel....like, shrieking....which he had never done before. Well, this past Sunday he didn't utter a sound when I dropped him off BOTH times! I couldn't believe it. I think he was scared at the other church because there were so many people. He just walked right in and started playing at this one. The other kids loved their class, too....not that they didn't love their other one, but you know... Also, I forgot to mention that the added bonuses of this church are these: it is THREE miles from my house....there are several military wives and about 80% of kids there are homeschooled....there about 100 kids there....and probably half of the kids are very mature (it seemed like) teens, and the other half kids my kids age. All seemed very nice. I already made several friends and I only went twice! :)
We liked our old church, but in practicality it just wasn't working. And gas prices are going up. Another thing...my friend Brandi and her husband have been wanting to go to church with us, but said it was too hard for them to make the drive (she lives a mile away from me). Well, she came with me this past Sunday and loved it, and it is only 4 miles for her, so it is working out for both of us! :) So, praise God for that!
Two more days of school and we will be out for the summer! Hallaluliah! :P
My father in law is driving up for a visit (from KY) and bringing some of our things that they have had in storage, and a flat screen Plasma tv that my sister in law didn't want anymore! Another good thing, because we hate ours and would never be able to afford a new one right now!
Then August first we are having a family reunion (a small one) here at our house. My sister in law will be coming...her husband, Randy just left for Basic Training last month, so it will be nice for Ashley to come over and spend some time with family. She has two babies and one on the way, so she will need a distraction by August. She will be 8 months pregnant when she comes (also from KY), so pray that everything goes ok and that she can come. I have never seen her kids! :(
I've been mowing my heart out, and sprayed weeds the other day...lots of yard work to do.
James is in Cross-fit right now, a very strenuous work-out that he goes to, that the Army pays for ....I think he has like 5 weeks left of that, but will be able to be an instructor and use it for PT at work. He is getting very muscled up. I liked him before and I hope he doesn't get too beefed up! :) I like men with slender, slightly smooth-muscled arms. I'm not into the beefy look, but he looks wonderful right now! :)
Life is good right now. I am getting a lot done....being very productive and just enjoying my summer! :) I hope you guys are too!

Military Seperations

This was written by my friend, Amy Brigham...a fellow army wife with a husband soon returning from a one year deployment. She says it better than anyone else could...I've tried to express myself in this way, but she always has the right words! ...


Not All Seperations Are The Same

Dear Well-Meaning Friend,

I understand you would like to empathize with me; to support, encourage, and lift me up, but comparing your husband's business trip or a long distance relationship to our experience of war is not going to do what you intended, for myself or any other military spouse. Separations of all kinds are hard, I will never deny this fact; however, this doesn't mean all separations are similiar or cause the same upheaval and adjustments in one's life.

When my husband walks away to board that bus or plane or ship, we are saying goodbye to more than just each other. We're saying goodbye to innocence, goodbye to normal, and, a very small chance, goodbye for good. The next time I see my husband, he will be a changed man; older and different than the man he was the day he left, on a warm sunny day, that now seems so far away. He will have seen things--terrible things--things we all hope we'll never have to see. The bodies of children lying dead in a field hospital. Blood running alongside the road, after an IED attack. The remains of human beings--men he knew--scattered all over the ground in the aftermath of a bombing. He may have out processed coffins, as they left the country, with the body of a young person his age, perhaps even somebody he knew from high school or basic training, contained within. Maybe a soldier he shared a meal with that very week.

My husband will have witnessed the lives of comrades destroyed, when a Dear John letter arrives in the mail or divorce papers are served over R&R leave. He might comfort one of his men, as he learns his wife has committed adultery and that the baby she's carrying may not be his. He'll watch all of this pain unfold all while miles away from me, hoping, praying, and trusting that none of this nightmare will come true in his life. Even with the utmost of trust, a long separation causes insecurity and questions in the minds of even the most emotionally strong men.

When he comes home, after a long time away, it will be a joyous time to be sure, but an anxiety ridden one as well. What happened while he was gone, he will wonder. Where is his place in this family anymore, if life went on without him for a year, while he was essentially replaced. Will his children know him? Will the littlest ones recognize his face? Will his teenagers still need him? Will his wife love him as much as she once did, knowing what he's seen, what he's touched, the experiences that have scarred his heart and psyche, just as the shrapnel once scarred his hand? Will she still love him? Will that something special have been lost during his absence? Much anxiety indeed.

He'll look around his world, needing to adjust to American culture again, needing to learn to navigate our roads, needing to re-learn how to be part of family life again. The dangers of war won't just lift off his mind, the moment he sets foot on safe ground. There will be boxes to avoid on the sides of the road. Abandoned backpacks in sporting goods stores, from which he'll need to protect his family. He'll jump at the crashes of plates falling at the restaurant, or the screech of the kettle, perhaps ducking under the table, and he'll avoid crowded public places possibly for years to come. For months, he'll feel unsafe without his body armor and weapon at his side and he'll call out all of the possible hazards on the side of the road as he drives.

There is the marriage contract to be re-negotiated, as you learn to live with each other again, to accept the numerous changes that came during the year's time, to adjust to the new people you have both become. Many changes of which cannot be fully appreciated until you have come together again, thanks to oftentimes questionable communication during the time he was gone. Roles have shifted and what once was can never be again. You're both older, wiser, different, and changed. There's no going back, just moving forward, together, hand in hand. Even the most intimate parts of the relationship will need to be entered into slowly, re-learned, and explored anew again. Everything doesn't necessarily fall into place right away but takes time. He's been gone for a year. That is a very long time.

My husband isn't coming back from a brief jaunt to a city across the country. I'm not seeing him after a few months spent apart, with adequate communication possibilities, including a phone that rings both ways, and his being in a safe location. No, my husband is coming back from a war or time spent floating around on a naval ship, a city at sea. From a year of frustration, emotional upheaval, a time when he couldn't adequately address hygiene needs or always have access to a flushing toilet and time spent living through the bodily abuse of twenty four hour shifts. The reality we have lived through, and the road that lie ahead, are mighty different than what you have experienced, my friend.

If you desire to help us, to extend your hand in love and friendship, this is a reality that you must appreciate. You don't have to have lived through the realities of war yourself, to be a blessing to those who have, but you do need to understand where we're coming from, to appreciate the differences between what was yours and what is ours. This isn't just a happy time but a frightening one as well. Everything doesn't fall into place again, easily picked up from where life left off, but must be worked on to find "normal" once again. This isn't going to be easy or going to happen overnight. My husband isn't fully "home" just because he's walked through our front door again. To best be there for me, my friend, all of this I need you to understand.

With Love,

Your Military Wife Friend