Okay for all those that know me, you know that I don't really blab about problems and do not usually let things bother me... Well i feel different about this subject and although I cannot explain why I feel like writing it out so the whole world can see.
As most of you know I was in the Army for 6 years and got out in November, just to go right back in on March 11th of this year. There is a lot behind why I did it and some of you know why; others don't but to make a long story short.. I was stupid. I made decisions based on what I wanted to do and what I thought was best. Was god involved in those decisions? NOPE.. was Rachelle involved? Hardly. If you ask her she will tell you that the fault lies with both of us but yet I know ultimately, it is my fault. See, I never thought to pray about what to do. I never thought about the strain it would cause on my marriage and my family. I mean I had my family living in a camper.. How low do you have to be to put your family in a camper for over a year and ask them to put up with it. All the while you are in a nice comfy apartment going to work and coming home everyday to be able to take a shower or bath or just be able to flush the toilet and not have to worry about seeing it again.. I look back on it now and know that I was in every aspect wrong in everything that I did. From day one of the thought of even buying a Semi, Rachelle was against it, but she did what she was supposed to do and followed her spouse, whom she is supposed to love and support no matter what. She followed me right into a path of destruction that rocked our marriage, our children, and our personalities. Sometimes I look back on how things were before and I wish for those days when Rachelle was happy with her life and family. When I was happy with what I was doing and who I was. Now although Rachelle might be happier, I know deep down she is still not completely happy. I myself and not happy at all. I wake up everyday and try to make sense of the last three years and can't see past all the mistakes I made (again Rachelle will say WE made them but they were all my decisions). I try to do things right and seem to screw it up. It's like my brain knows what I am supposed to do. My heart knows whats right and wrong, but I always seem to make the wrong decision.
One decision that I know was right though, was for me to come back in the Army. I should have never gotten out. That's one decision I am not ever going to get over. I set my career back by at least 2 years by getting out for not even six months. I put my family at risk by not having Insurance (Medical or Life). I decided to re-enlist after Sheldon, our youngest had a hernia that was possibly going to need surgery. That is one of the main reasons I came back in. Right after I came back into the Army his hernia went away. Poof, gone!!.. I had a light bulb go on in my head at that instant. God is trying to get my attention. I felt like he was trying to tell me something along the lines of.. "okay now that I have your attention stupid, LISTEN!" I believe with all my heart God had something to do with Sheldon's hernia. I think it was put there to see if i could make a good decision. I hated the Army a year ago. I couldn't wait to get out and have the freedom of my own business. The Army was terrible, it had nothing to offer. But once i was out i saw that what was best for me was tearing my family apart. 12 hours a week at home with my wife and kids. 4-5 thousand miles a week with $1500.00 in fuel. And when I was home I had to do paper work. It just wasn't going to work. I had to choose work or family. I chose family. So, I re-enlist thinking I am just going to go right back to my old unit and everything will be the same as before, only better this time because my family will be there with me. Nope, wrong again. I have 2 choices. Korea for a year or Germany for 3 years. I was shocked. I had not planned on this, this was not in what i wanted to do, but Sheldon had to have surgery, or so we thought. I took Korea. I have been told I am stupid and should have taken Germany because the family could go there but I knew it was not possible with all the critters we have.
So, I have been here since April 6th, and the whole time I am trying to make sense of why it is I am here. At first, I think its because of the orphanage I was taken too.. maybe I am supposed to do something there? I don't think so. I think God is using this time to teach me a lesson about life. See, sometimes you get things and you don't even realize how precious they are until they are taken from you. My most valued thing on this planet is my Family. I love them with all my heart but for the past 3 years I have led them like a mad man chasing his imaginary tail. After all this time and effort and the thousands and thousands of dollars spent (that could have had me out of debt) I have finally hit bottom. I know that God is my strength and that trusting in him you can get through anything, but right now, at this very moment as I am sitting here rambling on and on, I feel for the first time in my life like a failure. Of everything I have done in my life, 2 tours to Iraq, somehow making it back alive. Green platoon which is 5 weeks of hell so I can be in the BEST Aviation Unit in the world. To all the other things I have accomplished in this short life I have lived so far.. I have never accepted failure as a option. But right now I think I finally know what it feels like. I have failed at being a leader, father, husband and servant of God. I have done my own thing for years now. Pursued passions that where childish and stupid. Wildly led my family into a business deal that almost broke us. I truly feel like a failure. But having said that I feel that I know now why I am here in Korea. I believe God sent me here to get my attention all the way. To help me to realize all the mistakes I have made and how I could have avoided them. I feel now I know where that narrow path is and I am ready to walk on it once again.
I know for some that will read this, I am not a failure to them, but if you really stand back and look at things from my perspective as a husband and father, its hard to not feel that way. I have to say though that my hero in this whole ordeal is Rachelle. She was there through thick and thin. Yeah, we had our arguments but she never failed to stay firm and try with everything that her poor soul had to support me in this "Stupid Adventure as I'm starting to call it" that I took us on. Maybe in the next few weeks or even months I can start to come around, but for now I think I will just use this feeling to try and make up for all those cold months my family had to spend in a 24ft camper while I was in a nice warm apartment. Maybe, just maybe i can feel what they were feeling as I left them there all alone.
As most of you know I was in the Army for 6 years and got out in November, just to go right back in on March 11th of this year. There is a lot behind why I did it and some of you know why; others don't but to make a long story short.. I was stupid. I made decisions based on what I wanted to do and what I thought was best. Was god involved in those decisions? NOPE.. was Rachelle involved? Hardly. If you ask her she will tell you that the fault lies with both of us but yet I know ultimately, it is my fault. See, I never thought to pray about what to do. I never thought about the strain it would cause on my marriage and my family. I mean I had my family living in a camper.. How low do you have to be to put your family in a camper for over a year and ask them to put up with it. All the while you are in a nice comfy apartment going to work and coming home everyday to be able to take a shower or bath or just be able to flush the toilet and not have to worry about seeing it again.. I look back on it now and know that I was in every aspect wrong in everything that I did. From day one of the thought of even buying a Semi, Rachelle was against it, but she did what she was supposed to do and followed her spouse, whom she is supposed to love and support no matter what. She followed me right into a path of destruction that rocked our marriage, our children, and our personalities. Sometimes I look back on how things were before and I wish for those days when Rachelle was happy with her life and family. When I was happy with what I was doing and who I was. Now although Rachelle might be happier, I know deep down she is still not completely happy. I myself and not happy at all. I wake up everyday and try to make sense of the last three years and can't see past all the mistakes I made (again Rachelle will say WE made them but they were all my decisions). I try to do things right and seem to screw it up. It's like my brain knows what I am supposed to do. My heart knows whats right and wrong, but I always seem to make the wrong decision.
One decision that I know was right though, was for me to come back in the Army. I should have never gotten out. That's one decision I am not ever going to get over. I set my career back by at least 2 years by getting out for not even six months. I put my family at risk by not having Insurance (Medical or Life). I decided to re-enlist after Sheldon, our youngest had a hernia that was possibly going to need surgery. That is one of the main reasons I came back in. Right after I came back into the Army his hernia went away. Poof, gone!!.. I had a light bulb go on in my head at that instant. God is trying to get my attention. I felt like he was trying to tell me something along the lines of.. "okay now that I have your attention stupid, LISTEN!" I believe with all my heart God had something to do with Sheldon's hernia. I think it was put there to see if i could make a good decision. I hated the Army a year ago. I couldn't wait to get out and have the freedom of my own business. The Army was terrible, it had nothing to offer. But once i was out i saw that what was best for me was tearing my family apart. 12 hours a week at home with my wife and kids. 4-5 thousand miles a week with $1500.00 in fuel. And when I was home I had to do paper work. It just wasn't going to work. I had to choose work or family. I chose family. So, I re-enlist thinking I am just going to go right back to my old unit and everything will be the same as before, only better this time because my family will be there with me. Nope, wrong again. I have 2 choices. Korea for a year or Germany for 3 years. I was shocked. I had not planned on this, this was not in what i wanted to do, but Sheldon had to have surgery, or so we thought. I took Korea. I have been told I am stupid and should have taken Germany because the family could go there but I knew it was not possible with all the critters we have.
So, I have been here since April 6th, and the whole time I am trying to make sense of why it is I am here. At first, I think its because of the orphanage I was taken too.. maybe I am supposed to do something there? I don't think so. I think God is using this time to teach me a lesson about life. See, sometimes you get things and you don't even realize how precious they are until they are taken from you. My most valued thing on this planet is my Family. I love them with all my heart but for the past 3 years I have led them like a mad man chasing his imaginary tail. After all this time and effort and the thousands and thousands of dollars spent (that could have had me out of debt) I have finally hit bottom. I know that God is my strength and that trusting in him you can get through anything, but right now, at this very moment as I am sitting here rambling on and on, I feel for the first time in my life like a failure. Of everything I have done in my life, 2 tours to Iraq, somehow making it back alive. Green platoon which is 5 weeks of hell so I can be in the BEST Aviation Unit in the world. To all the other things I have accomplished in this short life I have lived so far.. I have never accepted failure as a option. But right now I think I finally know what it feels like. I have failed at being a leader, father, husband and servant of God. I have done my own thing for years now. Pursued passions that where childish and stupid. Wildly led my family into a business deal that almost broke us. I truly feel like a failure. But having said that I feel that I know now why I am here in Korea. I believe God sent me here to get my attention all the way. To help me to realize all the mistakes I have made and how I could have avoided them. I feel now I know where that narrow path is and I am ready to walk on it once again.
I know for some that will read this, I am not a failure to them, but if you really stand back and look at things from my perspective as a husband and father, its hard to not feel that way. I have to say though that my hero in this whole ordeal is Rachelle. She was there through thick and thin. Yeah, we had our arguments but she never failed to stay firm and try with everything that her poor soul had to support me in this "Stupid Adventure as I'm starting to call it" that I took us on. Maybe in the next few weeks or even months I can start to come around, but for now I think I will just use this feeling to try and make up for all those cold months my family had to spend in a 24ft camper while I was in a nice warm apartment. Maybe, just maybe i can feel what they were feeling as I left them there all alone.
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